LOS ANGELES, February 23, 2013—Romance, religion and alcohol often make for a volatile cocktail. Throw in cellphones and social networking, and international incidents are one click away.
This Saturday night is the Jewish holiday of Purim. It is a celebration of female power, and one of two Jewish drinking holidays. Unlike the Irish, who always have St. Patrick’s Day on March 17, Purim ranges every year from a bit before to a bit after. Yet too many Jews confuse “eat, drink and be merry” with “drink, get drunk and fall down.” The holiday commands people to get so drunk that they cannot tell the difference between Mordechai and Esther.
Costume parties and masquerade balls are the order of the night, and my date and I several years ago decided to do matching costumes. In a role reversal, I was the angel and she was the devil. We decided during the evening to quickly sneak around the block to my place and change up the costumes slightly to confuse people. We were both going to be “half and half.”
Assertive woman that she was, she took over my bedroom to change while I was banished to the living room. My initial inclination was to wait for her and then change in my room. The living room is not for changing clothing.
To avoid keeping her waiting, for the first and last time in my existence, I changed in the living room. Naturally in that sixty seconds, my roommate came home. The conversation was every bit as normal as one would expect with one man wearing no pants and holding a devil’s pitchfork.
Me: It’s not what it looks like.
Roommate: You’re pantsless, and you’re holding a devil’s pitchfork.
Me: Nothing is going on.
Roommate (upon hearing her voice calling out for something): Have you got a girl back there?
Me: It’s not what you think.
Roommate: I always thought I was cooler than you.
Me: You are cooler than me.
In the bad timing award, she comes out of the bedroom wearing only a brassiere and angel wings. Without seeing him, she turns to me and says, “I need your pants.” Without asking, she grabs my trousers and retreats to the bedroom.
Roommate: What the hell is going on here?
After protesting too much, he then asked to take a picture for posterity. The answer was no, and I now know I can put my pants on both legs at a time in less than three seconds before a camera can be snapped. He wanted to tell me I was “no fun,” but his earlier assessment conflicted with that.
Now flash forward to today. Young people drink, get drunk, get naked, or scantily clad, take photos of themselves, and send them to “only people they really trust.”
This is where the fun often stops and the pain starts.
There are no naked pictures of me anywhere. Not from my childhood. Not from a hospital stay. Not from the 4:00 a.m. walk from the bedroom to the refrigerator. God invented robes for a reason.
Pictures were not necessary for me to remember that night. In the course of my life, naked pictures have been sent to me by women. Responding in kind was not necessary. In fact, they probably appreciated my not sending them more than I appreciated receiving theirs.
So to every man out there tempted to send “himself” in the raw to her, look in the mirror first. Ask yourself honestly: “Does anybody really want to see this?” The answer is no. Men like receiving pictures of naked women. Women do not like receiving pictures of us. They are hot. We are icky and gross. Life is unfair.
As for the women, the decision to send pictures is often enhanced by alcohol consumption. Regrets may fade, but pictures are forever, especially when distributed throughout the globe on Facebook and Twitter.
So on this Purim, imploring people to be moderate in their drinking may be too much to ask. Yet for the sake of a healthy dating life, keep the clothing on in public and leave the cellphone cameras off when drinking, always.
Have a safe and sane Purim.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free.
Republican Jewish Brunettes may follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS.
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