WASHINGTON, DC, March 14, 2013 — As white smoke came from the Sistine Chapel, cheers in St. Peter’s square erupted and the sacred title of Pope was passed from a German man named Benedict to an Argentinian man who assumed the name of Francis.
Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio became the first man from the Americas to assume the title; He is the first non-Italian since St. Peter. Since he is from South America and not the United States or Israel, worldwide death threats against him are expected to be minimal.
Despite the calls from leftist secular progressives for diversity and multiculturalism, the Catholic Church opted for somebody qualified. They went traditional and selected a male who is a practicing Catholic.
A man who was chosen for his humility. Piety. Simple dedication to his faith and beliefs.
Yet once the smoke clears and the pomp and circumstance is concluded, leftist religion-hating peace activists will be back on the warpath. A statement from Moveon.org quickly appeared on the Daily Kos and Huffington Post sites, lamenting the Pope’s exclusion from appearing this weekend at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Washington, DC.
New York Times columnist Paul Krugman arched his brow into triple its normal furrowed size, while his sinister beard failed to contain his rage. The exclusion of a man representing one billion people from CPAC shows how the radical right wing has taken over the Republican Party.
First Chris Christie gets excluded, and now this.
The American Conservative Union had no comment except to congratulate the new Pope and wish him well. Liberal diversity coalitions everywhere interpreted this as a sign of scorn.
They then held a conclave for Cafeteria Catholics, non-practicing Jews, and secularists everywhere to decide who would lead their religion. They settled on the offspring of a tree and a past Democratic presidential nominee and named it Gaea.
Pope Francis wants no part of the conflict, calling for world peace and love. Known for his humility, Pope Francis graciously accepted a congratulatory phone call from President Obama where Mr. Obama pointed out his vast expertise on everything related to humility.
Pope Francis is said to have shook his head sideways and exclaimed “bless his presidential heart.”
MSNBC is said to be mentioning the lack of a Vatican Papal appearance at CPAC for 71 of the next 72 hours. The other hour will be spent debating which of the two organizations is more evil.
The Pope tends to be a social conservative, giving him the lead.
Unlike President Obama and his supporters, the new Pope did not make a bunch of promises that cannot possibly be fulfilled. There is hard work ahead of helping people, and this non-politician plans to actually do the real work of not making things worse.
The only other complaints came from some sports fans in Phoenix, Arizona. Cardinals in Rome were able to choose a leader in only two days. The Arizona Cardinals have been around 125 years, and still have not found somebody capable to lead them on the football field. Fans in Chicago and St. Louis expressed gratitude at being rid of them.
Nancy Pelosi, a practicing Catholic who wants to rewrite the laws of her own religion, attacked conservative extremists for not inviting her spiritual leader to CPAC. When told Mao Tse Tung was deceased, she had no comment.
When asked if she knew who the new Pope actually was, she still had no comment.
CPAC and the Vatican are preparing for separate busy weekends, and do not seem to be in conflict. Despite the 2016 Olympics being held in South America, neither Pope Francis or anyone from CPAC have been invited there either. One can guess that Pope Francis may be invited.
Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, fresh from mourning the departures of Hugo Chavez from Earth and Joy Behar from the View, was asked if she knew about anything, anywhere on Earth. She spoke for liberals everywhere and reiterated Pelosi’s “no comment.”
God Bless Pope Francis. A humble man stepping out as a true world leader. A leader we congratulate.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS.
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