CHICAGO — January 6, 2011 — Happy birthday, Mr. President. You are 100 years old today and finally the biased mainstream media is singing your praises after decades of left-wing name-calling and the failed rewriting of your presidency.
Time Magazine even has a cover story on you out now called “Why Obama Loves Reagan.” It’s a funny, self-serving story for sure; one intended to help President Obama reinvent himself as a centrist in your image in time for the 2012 elections.
I know. I know. Obama is a socialist and you despise socialism so how can he possibly be reshaped in your image? It’s that blasted mainstream biased media. There they go again, right?
But don’t worry, Mr. President. Even at 100, you still kick Obama’s…
Manliness: Advantage Reagan
In the manliness category, President Obama is in bad shape. He pitches like a girl, wears mom jeans, wears short-shorts on the golf course, and hangs curtains in his spare time. Yeesh!
In contrast, burly Reagan cut brush with a chainsaw on his ranch, chopped wood with his bare hands, and stared down the Evil Empire.
When Reagan uttered, with that tough guy glint in his eye, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall,” I wouldn’t have wanted to be the guy in charge on the other side of the fence. Woof!
Humor: Advantage Reagan
In the humor category, Reagan again is the victor. After the attempted assassination on his life in 1981, Reagan told Nancy, “Honey, I forgot to duck.” As he entered the operating room, he told the surgeons, “I hope you’re all Republicans.” Beat that, Barack.
A master communicator, Reagan never joked just to joke. He had a point. He used his humor as a teaching tool, a way to cut through the mainstream media and reach people directly, and as a way to defeat his enemies both domestic and foreign.
He stymied his critics with quotes like:
I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” - Reagan
“The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’” - Reagan
“Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.” - Reagan
Reagan knew the first rule of humor politics: It’s hard for a guy to hate you, if you can make him laugh.
Obama has tried hard to be the guy that average Americans can relate to. He has tried to be the sunny, shining city-on-a-hill Reagan. He would like to find his own version of what Americans want: to be the cowboy, wood-cutting Reagan (without the wood, due to the environmentalist lobby).
But Americans can’t be fooled. Remember that beer summit? Obama’s beer can probably had mineral water. On Jay Leno, Obama attempted to joke about his bowling game. He said, “It’s like the Special Olympics or something.”
If I were a bowling pin, I’d say, “ouch.” However, since the President Obama game is only a 129, I don’t really have that much to worry about.
Bowing: Advantage Obama
Now in the bowing category, President Obama definitely has Reagan beat. President Obama is really good at bowing. So far, he has bowed to Saudi King Abdullah, Chinese President Hu Jintao, and Japanese Emperor Akhito.
In contrast, Reagan NEVER bowed.
Obama also seems good at supporting the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt, the 9/11 Mosque at Ground Zero, and the Gitmo detainees.
Historical Perspective: Advantage Reagan
Finally, President Reagan is now, officially, given credit for ending the Cold War and bringing America back to a state of unprecedented prosperity. Even more than ever before, Americans consider him one of their greatest presidents of all time. He is remembered for his inspiring words, his wit and humor, his smiling optimism, and his sunny belief in all things America. We needed that and we need it more than ever now.
President Obama may have made history as the first African American president. However, he will also be remembered for a disastrous midterm election – a voter reaction against his Administration, its lack of transparency, and its ruthless un-American tactics in ramming through Obamacare against the people’s wishes. Obama’s final legacy will be determined by the next two years. However, another Ronald Reagan, he is not.
There will always only be one Ronald Reagan. Happy Birthday again, Mr. President. Wish you were here.
Conservative satirist and commentator William J. Kelly is also a contributor to Breitbart.com and edits the Tea Party Reports for the Washington Times Communities. He is a native from Chicago’s Southside.
Email questions to him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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