In this fast-paced world, news travels fast. Sometimes too fast. Faster than Facebook gossip or Twitter. Faster than the Earth spinning on its axis. Faster than sound or even light. But when news finally shatters that 187,000 miles per second barrier, something amazing takes place. Some people experience unique abilities. In my case, it is rare, albeit temporary, ability to predict the future: to see future headlines of the world before they are actually printed. Cool, huh?

That’s exactly what happened to me yesterday. It was such a high-volume news day with a federal court blocking portions of the Arizona immigration law from taking effect and U.S. Rep. Charlie Rangel trying to outmaneuver the House Ethics Committee, that I got this head-rush of future headlines. Headlines that viewed -- in my mind’s eye -- like an old-fashioned slide projector. One by one, each headline shuffled by quickly to the next, and I had to strain to make them out and document them for posterity. The headlines that filled my head were so unexpected, so controversial that I just had to share them with the loyal readers of the Kelly Truth Squad:

EXTRA: AZ’S BREWER SUES FEDS

 

Supreme Court to Rule on Government’s Failure to Enforce Immigration Law

Just days after federal district Judge Susan Bolton’s ruling in favor of the injunction blocking the significant parts of Arizona’s controversial immigration law, Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer has now filed suit against the federal government for failure to enforce standing immigration law. Brewer has been critical of the federal government’s failure to protect Arizona’s border and citizens from the dangerous environment of drug and human smuggling that has made Phoenix the kidnapping capital of the U.S.

Since the ruling, Arizona residents have been furious. “First the federal government refuses to defend Arizona, now we can’t even defend ourselves? Is the judge nuts?” yelled one Arizona ice cream parlor owner, while trying to evade capture by machete-swinging Mexican drug cartel members. Bolton, a left-wing judge appointed by Bill Clinton, has since buckled under mounting criticism of her judicial activist and resigned her judgeship. Her tenure had been a rallying cry for Republicans who have been trying to bring attention to the need to appoint strict constructionists.

“Yeah, who are these liberal judges to make up their own laws and ignore the Constitution. What about us?” said the ice cream guy, ducking as the machete again swung dangerously past his head. “Whew! That was a close one,” he said mopping his head with a napkin. His eyes widened suddenly as he realized he was surrounded. The cartel had closed in. But this was no time for mourning. His wife suddenly shoved a rifle into his arms. The ice cream guy and his wife wouldn’t be going down without a fight this day.

Meanwhile, on “The View,” President Obama joined Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg and sounded off about Brewer’s lawsuit against the government. “She’s got a lot of nerve,” said Obama. “I just can’t stand her. I don’t see the problem. Live and let live, I say. I don’t see why the government has to enforce ANY immigration law. Those violent drug cartels gotta make a living, too.”

Behar shakes her head sadly. “When will Arizona ever learn? What will it be next? Should we stop terrorists on the street and ask them for their immigration papers? We can’t let this continue. America is for drug cartel members, too.”

The gracious president then walks over to pat a few sobbing drug cartel members in the audience on the back. “Thank you for your bravery,” said the president.  “Amen!” said Whoopi. “Amen!” said Obama in chorus with the rest of the chatty hostesses, except for Elizabeth Hasselbeck, of course.

“Loco,” said Hasselbeck to herself.

EXTRA: OBAMA SURRENDERS ARIZONA TO MEXICO

 

U.S. Flag Manufacturers at a Standstill

In a preemptive measure to buck the U.S. Supreme Court’s anticipated ruling that the federal government has failed to enforce standing immigration law, President Obama has signed a deal with Mexico to cede them the Arizona territory.

Mexican drug cartel members, assorted terrorists and illegal immigrants with lengthy criminal records celebrated in Phoenix at the news by shooting their guns, setting off car bombs and random, completely pointless, beheadings. Arizona citizens-turned-refugees, now in limbo, have packed up their cars and abandoned their homes and possessions for an uncertain future – displaced between Mexico and the U.S. “Are we still U.S. citizens? Are we Mexican citizens? Do we have any rights? What happened to justice?” sobbed one former Arizona resident.

Meanwhile, U.S. flag manufacturers are at a standstill, struggling with a new design for the American flag – reducing the number of stars to 49 from 50.

White House press secretary Robert Gibbs had issued this statement on behalf of the president. “Come on, it will make more room for the other stars,” said Gibbs to the flag manufacturers. “Besides, illegal immigrants just love Arizona. There is no denying it. It’s too hard to stop them from coming, so why don’t we take some time to kick back and enjoy/ It’s a brand new day.”

“It’s one less state to worry about. Think about it. That’s 49 states instead of 50,” echoed Obama. “Remember when you thought there were 57 states,” shouted some wise guy in the audience.

“Ahem,” continued Obama, ignoring him. “Plus, we don’t have to worry about enforcing Arizona’s border to boot. Whatta great country this will finally be. Some people will work and pay taxes to help  pay for the health, education and security of millions of new foreign residents. Some people will just enjoy all that cool free stuff. And we folks in the government can just tax, spend and print – it’s all the same to me. After four more years, I can’t be re-elected again anywho.”

In the official ceremony to transfer Arizona’s title to Mexico, Obama donned a celebratory sombrero. “Hasta la

 

 vista, baby,” he jeered the protestors holding U.S. flags with all 50 stars, flipping them the “birdie.”

EXTRA: OBAMA’S APPROVAL RATING AT 2

President Falls Below Pollsters’ Percentage Scoring

 President Obama has now made history for a second time. After becoming the nation’s first black president of the United States, he has now earned the distinction for the lowest presidential approval rating ever recorded.

 In the just-released Gallup Poll, the president received an approval rating of 2. Not 2 percent -- just two. The number two figure actually refers to approval by the president himself and his VP, Joe Biden, have given.

 “He twisted my arm, I really don’t f***** approve. Since I’m VP, I guess I’m kinda screwed. The mansion’s nice, though. The bathroom could have been bigger,” said Biden, shuffling his feet.

In a generic ballot test taken this week, 100 percent of Americans minus two voted against Obama. First lady Michelle Obama and daughters Sasha and Malia voted for “the other guy.”

Conservative satirist and commentator William J. Kelly also pens the Kelly Truth Squad at Chicago Now and edits the Tea Party Reports for the Washington Times.  E-mail questions to him at williamjkellyrebuild@gmail.com.

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