Mammoth match of the weekend part two: Packers vs. Bears

Do position battles make you hot around the collar? If so, read Sam's preview of the Green Bay Packers vs. the Chicago Bears Sunday showdown. Photo: Associated Press

Italy, January 22, 2011 — I can’t be sure, because I’m young an ig’nant, but I think the Chicago Bears and Green Bay Packers rivalry started a really long time ago. This game, therefore, is probably significant. You should watch; but first, educate yourself in the fine art of analyzing an impending game with no actual analysis. After all, it’s BWD’s (Balls Without Discretion’s) specialty.

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers dives into the corner of the end zone for a touchdown against the Chicago Bears during the second half of an NFL football game in Chicago. (Photo: Associated Press)

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers dives into the corner of the end zone for a touchdown against the Chicago Bears during the second half of an NFL football game in Chicago. (Photo: Associated Press)

Let’s get judgmental:  

Quarterback

Aaron Rodgers is, perhaps, the goofiest white athlete we’ve seen since the unheralded days of Celtic Brian Scalabrine. To illustrate this bold claim, let’s break down his complex yet uproarious touchdown celebration:

* First, we have his initial reaction of unadulterated glee, a reasonable emotion of any quarterback who a) manages to escape the clutches of the wave of behemoths determined to squash him and b) throw a touchdown pass. This is immediately accompanied by a resounding Woods-like fist pump that starts at the knees at swooshes its way to the sky in a dignified but fiery manner.

* This next part seems to be a relatively new addition (feel free to correct me, however): amid the gallop to the end zone to greet the recipient of his mighty hurl, Rodgers takes a delicate hop and simultaneously gives a weird sort of mini-fist pump/lock ‘n load combination. Now, who said quarterbacks lacked athleticism?

* Rodgers then encapsulates his performance with the most curious move of the lot. Now that he’s made it to the endzone and saluted his teammates, he makes the lady cheeseheads swoon with his stunning (and bewildering), iconic go-to: the dreaded championship belt.

This gets a wee bit sensual, as Rodgers hilariously thrusts his hips forward and simultaneously runs his hands across his waist to depict, of course, a belt. The look on his face while this move is conducted could rival Gene Simmons circa 1983. See for yourself in the video below:

The whole rendition, while probably unsafe for girls under the age of nineteen to watch, makes Rodgers eclectically beloved in BWD’s house. Add the fact that he’s on an absolute tear, and that he’s a dead ringer for B.J. Novak, and, well, sorry, Jay: A-Rod is my man.

Edge: Packers

Running Back

As a native of western New York (please, control your ferocious jealousy), I will admit with much shame that I had never even heard of James Starks, the pride of Niagara Falls and the UB Bulls, before I watched last week’s game. As punishment, I will forgo the splendor of Wegmans and instead shop at Tops (It never stops licking the floor, you see.)

As much as I will pull for Starks, Matt Forte is the better running back here. Depending on the forecast in Chicago tomorrow (currently cold as hell, but clear) the ground game could be very important in this one.

(Note: it’s now guaranteed to be an aerial assault, because my premonitions stink.)

Edge: Bears

Receivers

Bears CB Charles Tillman says the Packers receiving corps is the best in the NFL. What he really meant was, “Well, if I get lit up by the likes of Jordy Nelson, at least I told ya’ll so.”

Smart move, Charles. I did the same thing before co-ed IM volleyball.

“You know, Stacey’s not a bad player. You know, for a girl.”

Then when Stacey left a welt on my forehead, I looked pretty damn wise.

Edge: Packers

Offensive Line

Bears vs. Giants in week four (the one where Cutler got sacked 74 times before he got hurt and we had to watch Todd Freaking Collins for two quarters) was a horrendous game to watch. As a Bills fan, I can’t be expected to stomach two heinously played games in one weekend, AMIRITE?

The Bears line has improved since then, but I still can’t shake that game. I would’ve rather seen “The Wicker Man” with Nicolas Cage.

(Well, probably not. But you get the idea.)

Edge: Packers

Defensive Line

All hail the Defensive Hog Index: Bears sixth, Packers tied for tenth. Interesting.

Edge: Bears

Linebackers

Not only is Clay Matthews’s neck enormous, he sacks the quarterback quite often, too. He abused the Falcons’ line last week, and they’re actually decent. Chances are he might find himself atop Cutler breathing heavily on more than one occasion tomorrow.

(Whoops! )

Edge: Packers

Secondary

Things are, for now, less egregious in the world: Tramon Williams is going to the Pro Bowl. I don’t know if there’s a better corner tandem in the league than Williams and Charles Woodson. Revis and Cromartie, maybe. (But they only play against measly quarterbacks like Phillip Rivers, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning.)

Tillman’s tip of his cap to the Packers’ receivers doesn’t really project much confidence for the Bears secondary. Or perhaps we’re all just used to an inordinate amount of arrogance from cornerbacks.

That’s probably more likely.

Rodgers’s recent hot streak obviously doesn’t bode well for the Tillman and company. And in two games against the Bears this year, Rodgers had passer ratings of 92.0 and 92.5. Something tells me (probably Tom Jackson) that the Bears secondary is in for a longer day than when tiny Jessica Alba gave birth to a full-grown Mario Batali.

Edge: Packers

Irrefutable and Completely Arbitrary Bottom Line: Packers 30, Bears 24.

Enjoy watching the games at a reasonable hour. This six-hour time difference makes even me complain (and I never, ever, complain).

Ciao, peons.


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Samuel Bovard

Sam Bovard is a weird dude on the cusp of adulthood. His immaculate capacity for sports knowledge has terminally crippled his social skills, leaving him paralyzed in large groups, and halted the growth of his maturity at age thirteen. But he's just fine with that. He is currently a student at Grove City College, just outside of Pittsburgh. Follow Sam on Twitter@Free_Samson. You know, if you want to.

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