The misery and hilarity of the Boston Celtics

Kendrick Perkins' injury has engulfed the Boston Celtics in (perhaps insurmountable) bleakness. Prepare yourself. Photo: AP

A recent development has engulfed the Boston Celtics in (perhaps insurmountable) bleakness: Center Kendrick Perkins, their consummate tough guy and premier turtle-resembling post defender, will not play the decisive game seven against the Lakers tonight in Los Angeles.

Perkins tore two ligaments in his right knee – his MCL and PCL – according to the results of the X-rays he underwent Tuesday night following his early exit from game six. He was forced to leave the game with 5:30 left to play in the first quarter after falling painfully in an attempt to corral an offensive rebound.

This leaves the Celtics with an increasing sense of panic, although they will tell you otherwise. Comments from the players and Doc Rivers have been accordingly optimistic.

“Listen, we’re going to do whatever it takes to win,” Rivers said. 

That, of course, is the mandate Rivers must make. But what he says next just tickles me.

“Scalabrine can spread the floor for us. He can do things for us. There’s a lot of options for us. They may not look like there’s a lot, but there’s more than you’d think in some of the rotations or lineups that we can create, that we may have to create. We’re going to work on some of those today.”

Yes, good people, BRIAN SCALABRINE. The man who lives for street clothes, high-fives and team morale has suddenly been dubbed the Celtics’ secret weapon. FEAR MY GORGEOUS RED HAIR AND STARTLINGLY WHITE SKIN, PAU GASOL. Does he even have a jersey? Will Tony Allen and he be forced to share? Does this mean the Lakers will play Adam Morrison? This comment has piqued a veritable feast of subplots.

Rivers somehow delivered this comment without an outbreak of giggles; surely, a more immature man (like myself, you see) would’ve failed in that regard. Game seven should be fun.

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Samuel Bovard

Sam Bovard is a weird dude on the cusp of adulthood. His immaculate capacity for sports knowledge has terminally crippled his social skills, leaving him paralyzed in large groups, and halted the growth of his maturity at age thirteen. But he's just fine with that. He is currently a student at Grove City College, just outside of Pittsburgh. Follow Sam on Twitter@Free_Samson. You know, if you want to.

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