No sex before marriage: Can it lead to a breakup?

He said he would be okay to wait. Now he’s not sticking around. Photo: When is behavior "piggish" and when is it just honest?

SALT LAKE CITY, June 28, 2013 — Dear Angela,

I have been dating a guy for about a year and I thought we were in love. I told him when we first started dating that sex was an experience that I planned on saving for my husband and he said he was okay with that. He recently told me, however, that he couldn’t continue in this relationship because he realized “being physical” (his words, not mine) was something that he needed in order to feel truly connected to someone.

I’m frustrated because if that’s something that he needed, then why have we pursued this relationship as long as we have? This U-turn on his part feels very unfair. Do you think there is a way to reason with him or is his piggish behavior not worth the effort?

Sincerely, Waiting

Dear Waiting,

Objectively speaking, this guy has done you a great service by letting you know where he currently stands on the issue of no sex prior to marriage.

He could have taken the route that many people take when they’re unsatisfied in a relationship: randomly becoming distant, unexpectedly exhibiting rude and hostile attitudes, or even cheating on you.

All these behaviors that would have driven you crazy.

Instead he came right out and told you exactly what his issue is. He’s discovered that saying he’ll wait for something, and actually waiting, are two very different things. Unfair or not, at least you know.

Don’t rack your brain trying to think of ways to change his mind. You two have been together for a year; he knows the reasons you’re waiting and still has decided to break up with you. Let him do that.

Also avoid the temptation to view this past year with him as a “waste of time.” Yes, it’s not ending the way you wanted, but it’s never a waste to get to know and love another human being.

Lastly, stay strong with your goal to wait until marriage. Just because he doesn’t want to wait, doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing that you do, and you will find someone else who will.

Readers: Is it possible to “truly connect” with someone without sex prior to marriage? What are some reasons to wait? What are some reasons not to wait?

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Angela Trusty

Angela Trusty brings her great life observations and advice Communities.  Angela also authors   ‘Ask Angela’ which also appears bi-monthly in the Deseret News. She is a graduate of Dartmouth College and the lucky sibling of 5 sisters and 1 brother.

She currently lives in Salt Lake City, Utah, but Baltimore will always be her home. 


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