WASHINGTON, March 10, 2013 — The deployment of countless unmanned surveillance drones in American skies presents a unique challenge. What is the proper procedure for the U.S. military to follow when a drone runs into trouble in a sparsely populated, privately-owned wilderness area?
The latest protest pestering the Obama Administration’s domestic surveillance program is in response to recent drone crashes in America’s heartland, and the resulting perceived violations of the seldom-quoted Third Amendment.
The region typically referred to as “flyover country” during both of Obama’s campaigns is proving to be quite a remarkable thorn in the President’s side. Several times within the past month, an unmanned drone has crash landed far from any major population center. The reasons for the crashes range from equipment malfunction and pilot error to accidental gunfire by a hunter’s rifle.
The military’s response has been to immediately deploy drone mechanic teams, similar to the chase cars used by hot air balloon enthusiasts. After an unmanned surveillance drone went down in a remote area of New Mexico, a drone mechanic team sprang into action. The tiny town of Corona was the nearest village to the crash site, but was still approximately 30 miles away. Thanks to intelligence the drone gathered before it went down, the mechanics were able to identify several households with the precise combination the teams seek for ideal quartering—large stockpiles of canned and dehydrated food, and female householders without a husband present.
Corona homeowner Linda Freeman initially tried to resist opening her home to the repair team, but was told that they were well within their legal rights to stay as long as they needed. “Most of the time, the only things the mechanics said to me were, ‘Pass the butter’ and ‘Wash this,’” Freeman stated.
The crippled drone getting the most media attention is the one that had the misfortune to fly too close to Jill Biden’s balcony in a secluded section of Delaware woods. The military admits to losing that drone after it sustained damage due to two lucky shotgun blasts.
Three weeks after the incident, a drone mechanic team is still quartered in the Biden family’s carriage house. Platoon leader Mark Dracon says of the vice president’s wife, “She makes good pie.” He added, “While staying with the Bidens, we regularly inspect their gun safes, free of charge, to ensure that everything remains up to code.” Dracon seemed proud to offer such a value-added service to American families whose homes are commandeered by drone mechanics.
Civil libertarians are in an uproar about this apparent violation of the Third Amendment. Attorney General Holder’s office is besieged with angry letters and phone calls from concerned citizens. The mounting public pressure prompted Holder to issue a statement on the meaning of fairness. “As Attorney General, I urge my fellow Americans to look closely at the other nine Amendments in the Bill of Rights,” Holder’s statement read. “They have sustained assaults over the past 13 years that have resulted in a new national perspective. There is no reason that the Third Amendment should get special treatment. We try to not play favorites and apologize for overlooking it in the past.”
The Administration explained how it crafted this new policy. “We polled graduating high school seniors before establishing our Drone Response Operational Protocol (DROP) program,” Holder continued, “No one really knew what the Third Amendment was, so we figured Americans would not make a fuss when we scrubbed it off the books, too.”
Surprised by the public backlash, the Department of Justice promised that under the Obama Administration, any portions of the U.S. Constitution that are shredded as a result of its progressive policies will be conscientiously recycled and used for toilet paper in domestic military bases and secret prisons.
In the interest of transparency, the White House issued practical tips for citizens who may come into contact with the DROP program. Platoons of drone mechanics can be distinguished from rank-and-file U.S. military personnel by their unique red coats, designed to increase visibility in secluded areas popular with hunters. When a drone mechanic team has been deployed, Americans are also advised to listen for any distinctive drumming and fife playing that often accompanies a platoon’s search for downed drones. If such forest songs are detected, the ladies of all households in the area are advised to bake delicious fruit or meat pies and change into something a little more comfortable. The mechanics may be dropping in for an extended visit and they are bound to be hungry.
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