EASTON, Md., November 13, 2011 — On Saturday, Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain revealed to a crowd at the Young Republican National Federation that God had asked him to run for president. Yes, God Him or Herself told Cain to get into the race.
“I prayed and prayed and prayed. I’m a man of faith, I had to do a lot of praying for this one, more praying than I’d ever done before in my life. And when I finally realized that it was God saying that this is what I needed to do, I was like Moses. ‘You’ve got the wrong man, Lord. Are you sure?’”
Too bad God didn’t also tell Mr. Cain to keep his hands to himself and his rude remarks about women zipped. But then God was probably too busy elsewhere, stopping an earthquake or protecting little boys from sexual predators.
You have to wonder if God maybe also inspired former Heavy Weight Champion Mike Tyson to make a parody video about Cain, calling upon his inner man to capture Cain’s sanctified aura. (See below) You know how God loves a good laugh now and again.
The Chosen Ones
The problem is that God had already called upon Congresswoman Michelle Bachman to run. Here’s her exchange with moderator Bob Schieffer on CBS’s Face the Nation in June of this year about God and her campaign:
Schieffer: “Did God tell you He wanted you to run for the Minnesota State Senate, or something like that?”
Bachman: “I prayed about that, as well. And that’s really what that means. It means that I have a sense of assurance about the direction I think that God is speaking into my heart that I should go.” And so God wanted her to run for the Minnesota State Senate, U.S. Congress, and now the Presidency.
However, God, that prankster, also told Texas Governor Rick Perry’s wife the very same thing. I guess God didn’t have a direct line to Perry, although Perry has said he’s felt that God has been sending him messages through various mediums. So God finally turned to Rick’s wife Anita to get the message through.
Just listen to a visibly angry Anita Perry during a press conference on October 11 of this year when she took on the press and the Republican candidates for derailing her husband’s campaign. She put everyone on notice that there was a higher power in her husband’s corner since God had called her husband to run for president, comparing Rick’s decision to run to encountering “a burning bush.”
“Happiness Is Doing God’s Calling”
And, yes, it is the very same God who got the others into the race that asked former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum to run. His wife knows it’s so. In June of this year, Karen Garver Santorum explained, “We believe with all our hearts that this is what God wants.” In fact, Santorum himself explained on ABC News that he is running on God’s platform. “I always said when I first was elected that I had a constituency of one. And if you are serving God in your daily work, what you know is right….”
So what in heaven’s name is God doing, mucking around with the GOP primary? Why is God even talking to the candidates? Doesn’t God know that this is messing with our electoral process? Or has that been the plan all along?
All of this reminds us of the last time God got involved in our politics. Remember Vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin? In 2008, she told us it was “God’s plan” for John McCain to choose her as his running mate. And you see where that got the Republicans.
So it is beginning to look like God is behind the embarrassment the GOP race has become. Also notice that God has not spoken (or at least we haven’t heard that He or She has done so) to the other candidates. Of course, you can imagine what would happen if God did:
God: Hi, it’s me, God.
Ron Paul: For Pete’s sake, don’t you know that you are in violation of the Constitution with this call? Besides I am the last honest Republican standing, so don’t even try to tempt me.
Newt Gingrich: Why are you calling at this hour? Have you no manners? When I want your advice, I will let you know. I’m a very busy, important…historian.
Mitt Romney: I think you have the wrong number. I ’m a Mormon. Evangelicals have branded me as the Other, you know, a part of some cult, not a real believer.
Jon Huntsman: Ditto.
Obama: I think you’ve got the wrong number. Aren’t I supposed to be a Muslim or something?
And so poor God is stuck with Cain, Bachmann, Perry, and Santorum. And what great campaign advice God has been dispensing to these four. Just look at the shape their campaigns are in.
So the real question is: Would you want God on your team?
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