EASTON, Md., December 30, 2010 — Everyone does it. Republicans do it. Democrats do it. Even Independents do it. Make a list of New Year’s Resolutions.
That’s when we look back at last year and see what worked and what didn’t and then we resolve this year to do even better. Sometimes we do; more often we don’t.
Now we all know the Republicans have resolved to take back the White House. That goes without saying, since Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell already proclaimed back in 2010 that that was “Job One.”
So everywhere across this great nation, in the backrooms of campaign offices of the GOP candidates, you just know that taped to the wall are Ten New Year’s Resolutions to make that a reality.
If I happened to be a fly on the wall, I suspect this is what I would see:
1.To tell the biggest, most outlandish fibs we can get away with before someone fact checks us. By then, the news cycle will have swirled onto the next, latest thing, the press will have forgotten it, or the fib will become a self-evident truth. After all, history teaches us that people are much more willing to believe the big lie than the small lie, since they could not believe that others would have the chutzpah to distort the truth so outrageously. So crank up the sound bite machine.
2. To set up the biggest, baddest Super PACs that money can buy. Now that the Supreme Court has tilted Right, recognizing corporations as people, it’s time for the money to roll into the GOP coffers like the mighty Mississippi. Just open the floodgates.
3. To generate the most outrageous story that we can manufacture about President Obama.
He’s a Muslim, wasn’t born in America, was a radical organizer, is a traitor, hates Israel, undermines our troops, can’t make a speech without a teleprompter, is a Communist, is a Fascist, is a Socialist: these are so old hat. We must dig up or invent a scandal that would make Clinton-Lewinsky look PG13. (see #1)
4. To persuade our buddies, the Koch Brothers, David and Charles, to set up more grassroots groups to seduce Joe the Plumber and his crowd. Freedom Works and Americans for Prosperity don’t sound Main Street enough. They sound too slick, too corporate. And nowadays the Tea Party is getting a bad rap with most Americans down on the brand. So maybe we need something fresh, like Vox Populi, only using Latin makes it sound too elitist. How about just the Voice of the People? Down in the Bible belt, our rallying cry would be “The voice of the people [is] the voice of God” (Vox populi, vox dei ). It was a winner in the a 12th Century, so why not give it a try?
5. To use President Reagan’s name as often as it can be squeezed into a sentence. In the last debate, Newt made 22 references to Ronald Reagan, raising his debate tally to 63. And every Republican among us can do better with a little practice. It’s even time for House Speaker John Boehner to start doing some serious name dropping too. The Reagan luster is like gold dust: everyone comes out shining, merely by saying his name.
6. To teach the Tea Party freshmen members of Congress to mind their manners and respect their elders. We all knew that the Tea Partiers would be the GOP’s pit bulls, but lately they have been taking nips out of the Speaker’s trousers and House Majority Leader Eric Cantor doesn’t seem to be doing too good a job paper-training them. Now they are leaving messes all around the Capitol and Senate Minority Leader McConnell is in no mood to clean up after them. No wonder they are being scolded for their undisciplined behavior. They are supposed to sic Obama, not the GOP Leadership.
7. To browbeat the Liberal media into renouncing its Fourth Estate principles. We can lay all the ills of the world at the collective door of MSNBC, the New York Times, the Christian Science Monitor, and Sirius XM Left Radio, just pick your favorite Leftie media. It’s easy. Just say it and it’s so. (see #1) Look at Newt making the debate moderators cower, even Chris Wallace. Look at Fox News reshaping the news in its own image. Look at Republican strategist/pollster Frank Luntz inventing a whole new language that even George Orwell would love to test drive. Liberals back down fast, really fast, especially liberal conglomerates. They don’t even like the label Liberal, preferring to use the softer, gentler Progressive, thinking we don’t know a Leftie when we see one.
8. To blame the Democrats and President Obama for any natural disasters that strike in 2012 but also quickly deny any of the freakish weather could be caused by climate change. This year’s floods, blizzards, hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, and wild fires across America cost the American taxpayers $52 billion. And on whose watch did that happen? Obama’s. Climate change, schlimate change. Weather is weather and the president is either able to wage war on the weather or he isn’t. Just as in Iraq, he prefers to cut his losses and withdraw, leaving unsuspecting citizens unprepared for what’s next on the horizon. The Farmer’s Almanac predicts a blizzard for the East Coast on January 31. Just call it Barack’s Blizzard. (see #1)
9. To continue to track down voter fraud, making it harder than ever for the elderly, the poor, the young, and the minority communities to vote since they don’t usually vote for us anyway.
Every citizen deserves to vote and every citizen’s vote needs to be counted. That’s our sound bite, so memorize it. We Republicans stand with the voters, protecting the sanctity of the ballot from unscrupulous voters. Memorize that while you’re at it too. And at every chance, remind voters that not only is voter fraud rampant, but many of those unscrupulous voters just happen to be Democrats. (see #1) Last sound bite to memorize: Republicans are the last buffer between The Voter and the Ballot Box.
10. To load 11 million illegal immigrants on buses and start moving them across our border into Mexico. They say they came from Ireland and overstayed their visa? Too bad. To Mexico with you. Get a flight out of Mexico City to Dublin. You’ve lived here for 25 years and have American children and grandchildren? Tough. Onto the bus with you. Write when you get to Lima. While it might take awhile to round everyone up, get enough buses, and then get the illegals to stay on the buses (and to stay on the other side of the Rio Grande once we dump them there), this will be a great GOP jobs program. America will need bus drivers, guards, and bounty hunters, including people to manufacture those buses right here in our very own country. This is a Win-Win for the GOP. Always remember we are the party of the job creators. (see #1)
We the undersigned swear to uphold these resolutions to Set America Straight, in every sense of the word. This is our New Year’s Resolution for 2012, so help us God.
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