BALTIMORE, January 27, 2012 - Middle school is hard. Children leave the structure and relative safety of elementary school, and armed with a brand new set of hormones and "feelings,"get thrust into a school where the hall talk has moved from Pokémon to bra sizes and sex. Yes, sex. I get that. I thought I was prepared for it.

Then the middle school took my daughter and threw her in a world of sadness and despair, and I had to act fast.

I had heard the whispers about the middle school in our district. It was awful, the ‘right’ type of people didn’t go there, and violence was rampant. I refused to believe any of that. My daughter is strong and I knew she could handle whatever happened.

The first problem is my daughter’s puberty. As she is reaching sexual maturation, she feels more and more that she is a lesbian. In my house, where we are very sex positive, that is no problem. In fact, it doesn’t even rate as an earth shaking event. Some might interject that she is too young to decide her sexuality. I am on the fence about that critique, and that is the subject of another article. If she wants to identify herself as a homosexual, she is allowed to do so.

That started the merciless bullying; threats from other girls trying to make a point, and a name for themselves. Children mimicking their parent’s bigotry were a constant source of aggravation for her. I saw it in her eyes. The way she didn’t want to talk about school, the way she hid. She didn’t literally hide, but in a school that size it was easy to be one of the crowd. She became another student who did the bare minimum, another face in the crowd.

But she couldn’t hide from the bullies. She knew it would soon escalate into violence, and she sought guidance from me on how to handle it. This is perhaps where I fail as a parent. I do not believe in the notion that someone gets to lay hands on you and you are supposed to walk away. I was especially not going to tell my daughter that she had become a helpless victim to silly tween girls. If she was a victim now, my logic went, she will be one later in life too.

‘What should I do?’ she asked. I said the only thing that came to mind. Hit back. You may think that is wrong. I will issue no apology for it. She was suspended three times for fighting last year, all altercations where she did nothing but defend herself.

Deeper in the hole she went. Everything about her was black. She would only wear black clothes, wore lots of sweatshirts with hoods to pull over her head. My daughter was trying to disappear. Maybe, she reasoned, if they don’t see me, they will leave me alone. Her success rate with this strategy was only mild.

By spring, I knew I had to do something. I started to check into private schools. My preference was for a non-religious school, but I soon found they were out of my price range. My choices became either a Catholic school or moving. I went to visit a small Catholic school in Aberdeen, talked with principal, put money down and told my daughter she was moving schools.

Now, I would like to say I was brave and upfront with the principal. I should have said, “By the way, my daughter has completely rejected her Catholic upbringing and espouses pagan beliefs. Oh, and she is gay. And I support her in both.” In hindsight, they deserved that warning. It was on the tip of my tongue to say it. I didn’t. I kept quiet. I was sure they would judge her and me. Or worse, not allow us to enroll. It was one of the most cowardly things I have ever done. It came back to haunt me.

My daughter cried and railed against me for enrolling her in Catholic school. She threatened not to go, she told me she would never do a bit of work and would purposefully fail. I didn’t care.  Even if she made good on those promises, it was better than seeing what her current school was doing her.

On the first day of school, my daughter went willingly, happy for a new environment and I held my breath. I did not have to hold it for long. I got a call within an hour telling me that the principal wanted to talk to me. Here it comes, I thought. I was right; Cheyenne had made sure to tell everyone she was pagan and gay. And then something remarkable happened. They supported me and Cheyenne. Yes, they asked that she not announce to everyone (literally, because she does that) but they were not going to kick her out and would do everything to protect her from other students. The principal and teachers have become her greatest source of strength and inspiration.

It has not all been smooth sailing. She is once again on the outside of the class, since most of the children come from conservative backgrounds. Other girls will even tell her it is wrong to be gay. I do not know for sure, but I suspect the principal must have gotten one or two phone calls from other parents insisting that they expel my child. After all, many of them send their kids to Catholic school to get them away from the very influences espoused in my daughter. She is still a mediocre student, and is a constant thorn in her religious teacher’s side as she challenges every tenant of faith.

But Cheyenne has persevered and thrived.

Cheyenne recently told me she attempted suicide during the year she was at the public school. In the next breath she told me how happy she is at her current school.  In my mind, I think about what would have happened had I not made that decision; had I decided it was too expensive, too much trouble.

Catholic school is teaching my daughter to be a wonderful human. They saved my daughter. I got my daughter back. She got to be twelve again. She is happy, getting involved in school, and home talking and smiling instead of brooding. Catholic school saved my daughter. 

Baltimore based, Amy Phillips is a columnist, blogger, public speaker, twitter addict and all around nerd. 

Follow Amy on Twitter @amydpp.

Amy Phillips is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Amy at her Accidental Musings blog.

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