MONTGOMERY VILLAGE, Md., September 16, 2011 — My wife and I were not able to have children, so in 1994 we took an alternate path to parenthood. We had looked into international adoption, but with requirements varying from country to country and the costs associated with using both local and foreign attorneys, we gave up going that route. Discovering a scam in one of the countries and almost falling for it was what finally convinced us to try the official foster childcare system in our county.
My wife had some experience working with the local foster child agency in another capacity, and we were ready for fostering and/or adopting, whatever life brought us. We had already cared for children extensively when they needed help, both relatives and others outside of our family, letting the children stay with us for extended periods.
First we decided to attend Montgomery County's monthly recruiting meeting where we learned the requirements for getting certified and what fostering entailed.The meeting was conducted in a very professional manner, the speakers appearing committed and compassionate, especially the foster parent who was part of the meeting.
We signed up for the program.
In October of 1994, we started training to be licensed foster parents. If I remember correctly, the training included 30 hours of classroom attendance in the evenings after work. Trainers were professionals in related fields, along with foster parents as guest speakers/trainers and the process was top notch, reality-based, and very motivational.
To this day we still see some of the other foster parents that we trained with and socialize with them.
Some are like family.
Like military soldiers heading for the battlefield, a strong bond springs up between people who have lived through ongoing, life-changing experiences. For us "new" foster parents it became not uncommon to meet and exchange "war stories" related to foster parenting.
This network has also provided a valuable resource for knowing about needed services and professionals for our children.
Working with Special Needs Children
We had also decided to become licensed as therapeutic or "special needs" foster parents, which required further, ongoing training each year equal to the original training hours. This included support with a professional therapist leader, one-day workshops, and many other useful types of training. The challenges were many, but so were the rewards. It is also often intense.
For those who are interested but feel they could not handle the 24/7 commitment to a foster child, there is also a national group called CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate program) as well as a group called Voices for Children, which does similar work. These volunteers receive training to serve as a representative for foster kids within the court system. But they have a relationship with the child, rather than a full-time parenting role. Then there is a wonderful group called the Center for Adoption Support and Education (CASE), which does excellent work.
The question I most hear is: why do children come into the foster system in the first place? The process begins when a county’s Social Services Department becomes aware of a child that is not being properly parented. It investigates and if it finds a “child in need of assistance,” it takes steps to take him/her away from the parents. Typically the child is being abused or neglected. Abuse can come in the form of physical or psychological abuse, and in most cases it’s easier to determine. Neglect may be more difficult to determine and confirm. A child can be considered neglected because he/she is not provided adequate shelter, food or health services.
I read in the papers (and you probably did too) the story of the child in Montgomery County, Md. who was kept chained to his bed by his father and stepmother. There are other examples of children living in a car with one or both of his parents in inclement weather. There are also episodes of children being killed by parents and his/her siblings living at home until they too end up dead or badly hurt.
In most cases when a child is taken by Social Services, the plan is to return them home once the threat (abuse) or neglecting behavior has been corrected. However, in some cases the parent(s) are incapable of making even the slightest necessary change.
Thousands of foster children need homes.
Our first placement began after our Christmas vacation in 1995. We had a voice message waiting for us about a placement, which we accepted. We had no idea where it would lead, but we did have clear ideas about foster parenting:
1) any child who came to our home, even for an hour, would be treated as a full family member, not a second class citizen;
2) we would never try to "erase" or "replace" the birth parents;
3) we would never talk ill of the birth family, we would tell the kids positive things about them, and any negatives we knew of or felt, we would simply withhold or mention without any judgment;
4) as with all the people we deal with, we decided to be up front and open with our foster kids about everything in life.
I think we've done a good job of honoring these commitments.
Due to confidentiality inherent in foster care, we usually knew little about the birth families. If we met birth family members during court-supervised visitation, they, of course, could share information with us. But the social workers were also scrupulous about not giving us more information than we needed to parent the kids. I hope birth parents out there with children in foster care know this. We understand it is tough enough to have a family split apart without worrying everyone knowing the intimate details of your life. We tried not to pry, and I think the birth parents we worked with were fairly responsive to this.
It’s true that the legal ins and outs of foster care are daunting to everyone. Each person has a court-appointed attorney: each parent separately and each child, as does the CPS (Child Protective Services) agency. Problems tend to drag on. In fact, this is one of my biggest criticisms of the system. Not that I want parents' rights terminated or their children taken away or adopted out.
A Process That’s Hard on Foster Kids and Parents
However, the length of time involved in the process is obscene. One of our foster kids was in our care for seven years and had had an emergency foster home before coming to us. Before then, he had previously lived in both an emergency foster home and a still earlier foster home, not counting the years he lived with assorted relatives as well as his mother. Such moving around cannot be good for anyone, let alone a young child.
I am not advocating ripping kids out of their birth homes, but if the system is to work well for children, then the system should be designed to minimize the trauma and let all parties involved (birth parents, family, and kids) have a reasonably quick resolution, so they all can get on with their lives.
Yet how long is reasonable? I don't know if a year is too soon, but I know from our experience that over seven years is way too long.
With multiple placements and growing older, these children ultimately become increasingly "unadoptable" or difficult to adopt through no fault of their own. The head of our local child welfare agency Agnes Leshner has repeatedly advocated improving the system.
For my wife, it was emotionally difficult when the kids at different times rejected her as not a "real" parent or act horrified to have anything to do with her. She understands how natural this is intellectually, but it's still tough when you are living through it. She says it's been especially hard because she has encouraged the children’s contact with their birth families.
Our experience with the foster (and later the adoptive) system was very positive. The flaws that I see in it are caused mostly by the way it is set up to begin with. Most of the individuals involved including, judges, lawyers, social workers, therapists, etc, have been very well intentioned.
Part of the problem is that there are just too many people involved and that they too often come and go these young children’s lives. Kids need stability and faces they know will be around. For that matter, that's what most of us need.
As we grew older, it became harder to deal with the problems and all the work involved with kids. It took a lot out of me, which is why I finally bowed out of fostering. The world of foster care is neither perfect nor pain free for any of those involved, but even so, more foster parents, child advocates, and other support personnel are sorely needed. We need more people to step in.
Anyone out there ready to help the next generation of children?
Mario Salazar, the 21st Century Pacifist, is a bleeding heart liberal, agnostic, exercise fanatic, Redskin fan, technophile, civil engineer, combat infantry veteran, jewelry maker, amateur computer programmer, Environmental engineer, Colombian-born, free thinker, and, not surprisingly, pacifist. You can find his articles - ranging from politics to cooking a mean brisket - in 21st Century Pacifist at The Washington Times Communities. Follow Mario on Twitter @chibcharus #TWTC and Facebook at Mario Salazar.
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